What If Orgasm Wasn't The Goal and You Didn't Need to Perform For Pleasure?

We explore the transformative power of goalless pleasure and how removing performance pressure can deepen intimacy with ourselves and our partners. By reframing sex as "a place we go" rather than something we do, we open ourselves to greater presence, curiosity, and authentic connection.

• Questioning when we last experienced pleasure without seeking orgasm
• Examining how performance-based sexual scripts limit our erotic experiences
• Understanding sex as a playground for curiosity and shared discovery
• Releasing the pressure to perform and slowing down to feel sensations fully
• Approaching our partners with fresh curiosity and adventurous mindsets
• Prioritizing connection over achievement for deeper intimacy
• Surrendering to the moment without losing ourselves
• Honoring our body's wisdom and innate desires
• Making pleasure a consistent habit rather than a special occasion
• Noticing how goalless pleasure ripples into other areas of life

Home play invitation: Set aside one hour this week for intentional pleasure with no goal in mind, either solo or with a partner. Notice what thoughts arise when you remove performance pressure, and pay attention to how your relationship with pleasure shifts. Feel free to DM me, comment on this episode, or share your experience on social media tagging @BriannaAndrina.

Substack Episode: I Want It Consensually, Conscientiously & Slowly

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Chapters

• 0:00 Rethinking Sex Beyond Orgasm
• 3:08 Sex as a Place, Not an Act
• 6:13 Seven Keys to Goalless Pleasure
• 12:44 Personal Transformation Through Goalless Sex
• 17:01 Home Play: One Hour of Intentional Pleasure

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I have some questions for you for this episode. First question when was the last time you pleasured yourself or even had sex with your partner where orgasm was off the table, not that it just didn't happen, but that you were consciously not seeking that during the experience? When was the last time you touched yourself just to discover new sensation? When was the last time you had sex with your partner that didn't involve intercourse? When was the last time you created a moment of pleasure, with or without your partner, for the sake of pleasure itself, sexual or otherwise? Now, if you came up blank or you're still thinking about it, you're not alone and this is the perfect episode to listen to, because we are diving into sex without a goal today, where the agenda is to really just feel, to explore, to be present with your body and your desire, without expectation. Right, no finish line, no must have orgasm, no performance pressure, just the connection between you and your partner or just with yourself, and to know that it's enough. Right, it's held, it's wanted and that's key. It's wanted. And by doing that, we're rewriting the script, the script that most of us grew up reading, where, within our sexual culture, sex was about performance. It's what we saw all around us, right, it's the start, the middle and the end of a production that usually was defined by when he stiffened and when he finished, and the whole thing often involved intercourse or revolved around intercourse. And then, in this paradigm we were taught sex must have a goal, sex must be for the benefit of the other, sex must always be a shared experience.

Speaker 1: 2:06

And even though I'm speaking mostly from a heteronormative lens here, I also recognize that these ideas have shaped how all of us, most of us view sex, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. And it's why I personally believe that when Esther Perel says that sex is not something we do, it's a place that we go. It's so profound because sex is a place, it's an experience, it's a playground, it's a portal into curiosity, self-expression, shared discovery, where you really get to make the rules as you go. And it's why pleasure for pleasure's sake and sex without a goal matters deeply. Because when we strip away the pressure right, that mental scoreboard that hey, am I doing this right? Do I look okay, these questions when we strip away so much of our conditioning around what pleasure and what sex is, something incredible happens Sex becomes less about achieving and more about experiencing. We get to a place where presence leads and performance no longer has this unconscious place within our erotic life. And if you desire goalless pleasure and you want to create that sort of erotic atmosphere, either solo or with a partner, here's what that can look like from a practical space. Okay, I've broken this down into, like you know, seven areas that you can really become more aware and repattern so that you can lean into pleasure for pleasure's sake, so that you can start to have sex that is goalless, that does not confine itself to a paradigm that actually isn't serving our erotic expansion and exploration and curiosity and our erotic lives in general, okay.

Speaker 1: 3:53

So the first one is release the pressure. Forget about chasing the orgasm, right. Forget about chasing the orgasm like it's the gold medal of your fuckathon, okay. Instead, think of sex as a scenic drive with no rush to get to the destination, right? We always hear all the time it's not about the destination, it's about the journey to it, okay. So enjoy the journey. You're there for the view, the vibes, the connection. Allow yourself to appreciate the scenery, because there's not a winner when it comes to pleasure, there's not a winner when it comes to sexual connection. The only thing that actually matters is experience. So release the pressure, slow down and feel it all.

Speaker 1: 4:36

Sex is sensory, connection is experience and exploratory. Feel the texture of their skin, hear their breath, notice how the heat rises between your bodies, how you awaken to their touch. Right, let your senses take over and let your body set the rhythm. It doesn't have to be automatic. It can be rhythmic. It doesn't have to be something that you perform or rehearse. It can be something that you just allow because you're leaning into the moment and when you stop racing towards the end. Right, every kiss, every touch, every pause, every caress, every nibble. Right every moan, they become electric. And that's what it's about, and we also want to make it an adventure.

Speaker 1: 5:23

So what if you were to actually approach your partner like you were discovering a new country? Hear me out. Right Every curve of their body, no matter how long you've been with them. Right, every action, every sound, something to explore with curiosity. Lean in with fresh eyes every time. Go in with the intention of what new can I discover? I feel like when we're sitting inside of a space of performed pleasure. Of course we're thinking about the finish line. Of course we're thinking about our angles, of course, we're thinking about everything except for the moment, and there is no finish line. That doesn't exist. Not when we look at sex as a place we go. Not when we look at sex as a place we go. Not when we look at sex as an experience, not when we look at pleasure for pleasure's sake. We get to be on this journey, we get to dive into this adventure free, free of the pressure to perform, free of the pressure to win or to have a goal, or to compete or to compare or to get to some sort of finish. We actually just get to enjoy the ride. So make it an adventure.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Remain curious, prioritize connection over achievement, because true intimacy is not about the orgasm, it's really not. It's about the attunement. When you actually drop the goal of performing, you create a space for emotional, physical, spiritual connections. Again, that's not just with your partner, that's also with yourself. Sex stops being a job or a chore. You actually can look forward to it. It becomes a shared space that you get to enjoy together, that you get to create together and explore together.

Speaker 1: 7:09

When you lean into connection, when you lean into the presence, you're not worried about the future, you're not worried about the past. You're not worried about how your body looks. You're not worried about if they care, if they see a role or you forgot a hair or you didn't brush your teeth, or if it gets awkward. You're in it together because you're prioritizing the connection and then, when you prioritize the connection, you can surrender to the moment, the connection. And then, when you prioritize the connection, you can surrender to the moment. And it's not about losing yourself. It's about trusting yourself, trusting your partner, trusting the experience, allowing it to unfold in a way that is raw and real and connective and enjoyable and nuanced and silly, where you get to actually learn yourself and each other. So, surrender to the moment. It's allowing your pleasure to actually lead the way without shame, without asking for permission consent, yes, but permission to let yourselves be and live in this space that you're creating. And when you actually allow yourself and your partner to let go of the control, and when you actually allow yourself and your partner to let go of the control, your connection will deepen. It will deepen in a way that it actually is going to linger past the moment, past the aftercare past when the clothes are back on, when you surrender, it leaves a ripple in the fabric of your connection. So surrender to the moment and honor your body's wisdom, yours and your partner's.

Speaker 1: 8:36

Your body knows what it wants. Sometimes it's hard for the mind to catch up, but your body knows it keeps the score. Sometimes it just wants to be inside of pleasure with yourself, with the person you love, with the person you desire to experience that with. There doesn't need to be justification, there doesn't need to be performance. There doesn't need to be justification. There doesn't need to be performance. The lights don't need to be on. We don't need to call action right, not. Is this enough? Am I good enough? It's? Am I enjoying where I'm at? Does this feel pleasurable?

Speaker 1: 9:06

You are allowed to sit inside of pleasure and when you do that, you can start to make pleasure your habit, because you become more familiar with that territory. It doesn't have to be this like once a month or a special occasion. You can actually infuse it into your relational life. You can plop it in your habit, tracker right. You can create routine around pleasure through these small, playful, sensual moments of connection. And again, this doesn't have to necessarily be just like sexual, it can just be pleasureful. And when we make pleasure something that we lean into every day. When we create the habit of it, you'll see, pleasure for pleasure's sake happens without too much effort. You start to re-script the stories that you tell yourself around pleasure and worth, pleasure and safety, pleasure and trust pleasure just because so. Make pleasure a habit.

Speaker 1: 10:05

So, going over those seven ones again, release the pressure, slow down and allow yourself to feel. Be in the moment. Three make it an adventure. Lean into curiosity. Four prioritize connection over achievement. Right, there doesn't have to be an end goal. You're not winning any medals. Right, you're creating experiences. Five surrender to the moment. Be so present that there is no future, there is no past, there is just the now and see how that actually ripples into the rest of your life. Honor your body's wisdom. Okay, your body knows what's up. Trust in the information that you're feeling. And then seven make pleasure a habit. Make it something that you consistently do to create connection to yourself and your other.

Speaker 1: 10:55

When John and I actually started leaning into our pleasure for pleasure's sake or having sex without a goal, we realized how much pressure we were actually putting on ourselves and each other to show up in this specific way, specific way, this way that we assumed the other wanted, this way that we saw being performed in different types of media, this thing that actually left us silenced in what we actually truly desired as individuals and a couples, and it also left room for us to learn to create our own erotic landscape outside of one another. For me personally, it showed where I was not giving myself attention and care, where I wasn't slowing down in my life, where other areas of my life I was mimicking that performance. So much of our sexual life and our pleasurable life can be related to our erotic life in general and that's like more of our aliveness, right, that's the vitality of our aliveness. That's not necessarily. When I say erotic, I don't necessarily mean just sex or pleasure. I mean, like the life force, energy, the thing that wakes us up, the thing that makes us go. I really love the life that I live. I feel lit up about it, I feel excited, I feel liberated, I feel expansive, I feel connected. And I think when we started to recognize that oh, look how we are sitting inside of such performance, in such rush, in such monotony and such surface level intimacy and pleasure and sex and connection we saw how that also rippled into the rest of our lives. At least for me it did. And so before this, when we were focused on the finish line right, that rush of erotic overwhelm or that cocktail of feelings that we'd get when we'd climax or when we'd orgasm, when we focused on that, we actually missed the joy of being with each other, of remembering the experience in a way that like lingered with us throughout the day, that we could talk about, that could lead into more intimacy and connection that we could use as fuel for our own individual play and our own individual like pleasure.

Speaker 1: 13:19

And when you stop rushing, when you stop trying to get to this end point right, the destination, the finish line, whatever you slow down, you have more room to breathe, to let things create their own space and take up space. It allows for more entrainment, for you to become attuned right. Deeper intimacy, more honest intimacy. It honestly changed the way that I showed up in relationship to myself and the way that John and I show up with each other. It changed the relationship that I had to my body, my desires. When you give permission to yourself to sit inside of pleasure for pleasure's sake, to lean into a sexual experience for the sake of the connection and the presence that sets a new foundation for how you show up in every area of your life. It gives you permission to show up in every area of your life with slowness, with presence, with curiosity.

Speaker 1: 14:26

So I would love to offer you some home play, and so here's your invitation. Okay, if all of this sounds so delicious to you, here's your invitation. I want you to set aside an hour, one hour in the next week. Okay, solo or both, if available. I want you to go slowly. The intention is to be present. The intention is to take your time to pay attention to your pleasure, with no goal, no destination, no finish line, no winner in mind.

Speaker 1: 15:00

Take orgasm off the table as something you're seeking, and you'll know if you're seeking it when thoughts pop in, when our brain starts to go a million miles an hour, when we start getting into that performative mindset again, when we start not being kind to ourselves or overthinking. Let those thoughts come. If you feel comfortable enough to voice them and talk about them, to add a layer to your intimacy, to add a layer to that presence in pleasure, do it. It's so connective to be able to talk about your sex life, right, we have better sex when we talk about our sex and if it feels safe to talk about your sex in that moment, if it feels safe to talk about the things that are coming up, to be able to create that connection, that deeper sense of intimacy during your play, solo or partnered, whether you journal it down or whether you talk about it with your partner. Do that and, if not, let it pass.

Speaker 1: 15:54

Come back to your body, go back to your senses Again. What am I hearing, smelling, feeling, seeing, notice what changes when you remove the pressure, when you remove the performance, when you stop seeking for something else other than the moment, because pleasure is actually abundant. Pleasure isn't selfish, it's not a rush, it's generous, it endlessly gives you more of it when you let it in. You don't need to pressure it right, you don't need to show up in performance, you don't have to have this goal in mind or check off this box. You just have to lean in and allow for the sake of it.

Speaker 1: 16:36

I'm so interested to hear how one hour of intentional pleasure for pleasure's sake, one hour of intentional pleasure for pleasure's sake, one hour of sex for the sake of connection, without seeking orgasm, without performance, I'm so curious on how that changes the relationship that you have with yourself, your body, your pleasure, your partner, what thoughts come up for you, what desires are revealed, maybe, what other things are revealed through it? So that's your home play. I invite you into that and also I don't want you to think like, oh, I'm going to do this home play and I'm just going to have this major revelation. Maybe that will happen and if not, that's okay, because, as with anything, pleasure takes practice. When we have been taught and conditioned and indoctrinated and fed the idea that we have to perform and earn sex and earn pleasure and all of the other things that encompass our idea and our story that we have have had written in the fabric of what we believe we are deserving of when it comes to this type of connection with ourselves and with another, it's going to take time to unlearn that. It's going to take time to create a new habit. It's going to take time to feel confident and trust and feel worthy of leaning into pleasure just because. So I would love to know how your home play goes. So feel free to DM me.

Speaker 1: 18:06

Comment on this episode. Like this episode. Subscribe to the podcast. Subscribe to my sub stack. I actually have a longer written post for this podcast. The links for everything are going to be in the show notes. Rate this episode, share it on social media. Tag me, if you do, at Brianna Andrina, I'd love to love on you back and answer any questions you have. Thank you for being here and spending some time with me today. I hope you give yourself the opportunity to lean into pleasure for pleasure's sake and lean into sexual experiences without the goal at some point this week. It's never too late to start a pleasure habit. I encourage it and thank you for listening to this week. It's never too late to start a pleasure habit. I encourage it and thank you for listening to this episode. Stay sexy, stay curious and we will talk soon.